Highs and Lows

Posted by Wayne (Melbourne, Australia) on 5 July 2007 in Miscellaneous and Portfolio.

I apologise for the break in the current series on dinners. I no longer have a regular blog and as such, this photoblog serves as not only a platform on which I seek to improve my photographic technique but also as an outlet of expression. And right now, I'm in such desperate need of an outlet. I'm currently in a valley low of my life...pretty much the 3rd most crappy time in my life (the first being when my dad died and the second when I got permanently injured in the army and consequently got drummed out of officer cadet school).

I just got my results in advance (through a loophole I discovered in the result dissemination system) and as it turns out, I've failed one subject. All my life I've been conditioned and yes beaten to react negatively to failure (I say I was beaten not in the sense that my parents were abusive but I guess it was the kind of things considered normal to do to kids back then but then again I understood then as I do now that parents can be quite excessive in their reactions). Failure for me has therefore been understandably very real and something I fear and obsess about constantly. It was one of my main intrinsic drivers for performance. Additionally, I am an overseas intentional student studying the second most expensive course in the nation's top law school and failure would mean more money being shelled out. The cost of failure for me is also compounded by the fact that due to my unique situation, I might have to return to my home country to serve out the remainder of my national service obligation and thereby further delaying my graduation by up to a full year. I feel this immense sense of overwhelming failure, claustrophobia and sadness.

But I honestly don't know why I feel those feelings, only that I do feel them. You see, this has been the worst semester of my uni career. I've had to deal with so many issues both internally and externally that I'm kinda numb and worn out to it all. I am thankful that I only failed one subject though and funnily enough, the least important (if there were any) of the subjects that I took. I came out of the exam hall thinking I'd, in all honest, fail all 4 of my subjects this semester and as it turns out I got high marks on the one subject (and funnily enough, also the most important of the 4) that I thought I was most likely to fail in and I only failed in one. My family, who I've always perceived to be very performance and marks focused, are now constantly reassuring me that they still love me and that I still have their full and unconditional support. I'm glad I've never had to worry about me but I still can't shake off the feeling of failure and the great mark of shame I bring to my family. I've never failed before where it counted and this new experience is one I'm still smarting from. So I know rationally, that things could've been much worst and by the grace of God, I've pulled through with minimal damage under one of the most trying circumstances I've ever gone through. But yet...I cannot help but feel the things I feel. It's strange and bewildering and beyond my ability to deal with at this moment.

At the same time, I really think its also a test of my faith. All the people I rely on to catch me when I fall are nowhere to be found. The people I look up to are either uncontactable, seemingly disinterested, overseas or out of state. My support network is similarly disabled, one of the most shocking things is that my assistant forgot the concerns I shared with her over this particular issue and I had to reexplain the whole thing to her. I love her to bits and I understand that being who she is, that she wouldn't retain this information at all but it still hurts in all sorts of ways. Likewise, I know rationally that humans are unreliable but nevertheless it would've been nice to have a listening ear to confide in and yet at this very moment there is no one left. Similarly, I have always freely given of myself to anyone who needs a shoulder, a hand or an ear without agenda or hope of payback but I will not lie and say that I do not wish that there was someone else who could do the same for me now.

I can tell you right now I am struggling to be able to hold on to two verses that have been hounding me this past week - Psalms 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me" and Joshua 1:9 '..be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go'. I suppose I should've seen it coming when I realised that my pastor did not get angry when I told him I may be faced with the possibility of going back prematurely. Prior to this, I knew he had reacted quite differently to a friend faced with a similar situation. The next day at a discipleship, he touched on this issue of people going back and talked about how there were some people he had struggled to let go and others with whom there wasn't such a struggle. I know I shouldn't try to compare status or importance but it really hurt there and then and it still does now...especially since the possibly of me going home has become all the more real. I feel so incredibly alone and small and I struggle to zone out all those voices and listen to my master's voice. It hurts even more because I know that there's a perception of me as being really serious and scary and as a result I don't have lot of people left who actually want to talk to me - for instance, I was at the church office today helping out with some stuff and as I was walking out of someone's office I don't think they realised I could still hear one of them make an offhand comment about how terribly serious I was. In all fairness, I guess she probably didn't know that (a) I was in earshot and (b) that it was a sensitive issue with me. I can't help being focused in what I do...but that doesn't mean I'm not human too. So with no options left, I really have to lean on God and my goodness, it is a trying thing for me to do. I know I've faith that God has great plans for me...but to be honest, making that faith consistent and persistent is an uphill struggle for me.

It's my real heart cry that His presence is made so real to me in this moment for I really am helpless and alone...there is nothing I've made, done, constructed or employed that can provide me with the support I need...I am so alone and so terrified. It's a strange thing to feel...and I am grateful that I've only felt it thrice now in my life....but I cling to the one consolation I have...that every time I've felt this...God has done something amazing with it in my life. My dad's death transformed me and matured me into someone able to provide others with the support I never really got, my injury forced me to realise and recognise His presence after turning away from Him for so long and forced me to develop administrative and conceptual thinking skills I use to great effect now and who knows what this incident will bring.

I have hope and my God...and even though they're all I have at this moment...I believe it is enough.

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