Posted by Wayne (Melbourne, Australia) on 13 July 2007 in Abstract & Conceptual.
It's raining outside at the moment...which is apt given my rather dark mood today. I'm just so completely sick and tired of having to face setbacks after setbacks. I'm completely fine with hard work. I don't ask and neither do I expect an easy life (that pretty much went out the window when I was a kid). I've always tried to do the 'right' thing and in the face of adversity, to dig in deep but it just gets down right pointless in midst of this constant series of, to misquote Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, the major falls and the minor lifts.
I'm sick of being baited to the point of joy only to see it being snatched away. Life is unfair they say but this is just ridiculous. I'm dog tired of having to help prop others up and having no one to prop me up. I'm frustrated and so incredibly boxed in. It irks me when I try to rationally explain things to other people only to get dismissed as having too legal a mind. I hate having to always play the 'good' part and retract statements so as to preserve harmony. In arguments with my sister when I was the kid I always stood down even when I knew I was in the right. Years later, I tell this to her and she says she knew I was right but she just wanted to win (Don't get me wrong here I will always love my sister to bits)
In my darker, more morbid moments (I have quite a few), I wonder if this is somehow a gigantic joke/misunderstanding that everyone else is in on but me. It's like I'm following the rules for chess in a game of cluedo. Social inadequacy on a massively compounded scale. My sister thinks me weird for being overly decent but is it that bad to want to be treated in the same manner I treat others? Is it that bad to be serious about what I do?
I'm tired of the fallacious calls, the superficial chitchats and the ever antagonising spread of the politically correct, that evil most passive-aggressive. I'm sick of that old lie I tell myself; that the high road will do right by me eventually.
In the army, in my lowest and most painful (physically and otherwise) times, I used to disassociate myself from where I was in the world and imagine that the objective was the high haven where I would find my rest and where I could finally derive meaning from. All else, from the pain to the humiliation, is acceptable because once reaching that point, that objective, all would be made clear and I would stand with no regrets, unashamed and proud even that I conducted myself with honor and to the fullest of my abilities.
That faith, that dissociative state of fugue, allowed me to get through the worst times in that life. That faith, that lie, no longer seems to hold for me in this one. It's worth is spent and once again, to misquote Cohen, I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing (to show for it). I wish this life and the things of it were more substantial and real. I wish for this window to disappear and I could feel this rain for something more than just the cold and damp it brings.
Make sense to me. Please.
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A lot of life is about the mundane, the drudgery, the routine, the common, the ordinary. We may long for the heroic, the romantic, the dramatic, ... that may seem more real, ... but it is far harder to remain faithful & joyful in the face of everyday boring, routine, seemingly superficial living.
Christ calls us to be content in our circumstances. This is terribly difficult at times. So I pray you will not allow the yearning overwhelm your joy for the living of life.
Wayne, you take care, yea? There is a season for everything. Joy. And pain. Injustice. And justice. God is perfecting you in His time. Just rest in that. OK?
13 Jul 2007 1:34am
@spots: Thanks spots. I don't wish for any of that fuzzy stuff in my life...sure it'd be nice...but I don't expect it to be so. Like I said earlier, I never expected this to be easy. I just never expected it to be so darn hard as well. In the face of the routine and the dull, remaining faithful poses its own unique challenges. My situation is somewhat different because the routine I face is just one of adversity after adversity and I'm not just talking about the superficial things either. I honor the work and I don't shirk from it but a growing part of me is wondering if this situation is somehow unbalanced and I landed up with the lottery prize of tough luck.
I think you misunderstand my yearning. I just want to rest...I'm not asking for a heroic life or an exciting glizzy one. I just want to get away from it all and not suffer if just for a bit, the simple life as it were. I yearn for a life that is not my own not because my life is not exciting but because my life is painful and somehow all this pain and this stuff is becoming increasingly senseless and with its diminished meaning, I lose my justification for holding on to it.
For me, my challenge is to understand the meaning within Elihu's speech and even within the greater theme of Job. I understand it in the conscious sense that I recognise it...but internalising it, applying it and being at peace with it is a bit of an uphill struggle to me.
It's just that the senselessness of it all galls me...but I suppose the senselessness of it all is the point in and off itself; that mortals can never fathom the will of the Divine and weren't really meant to anyway.
heh you're right about the "that mortals can never fathom the will of the Divine and weren't really meant to anyway".
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
when you can't see His hand, trust His heart [:
13 Jul 2007 3:39am
@christine: Thanks Christine =)
Everything happens for a reason Wayne...I have always truly believed that, you may never know what the reason was, but perhaps God is trying to tell you that you have more resolve than you realize and wants you come to that realization. My mother always told me that God never gives you more than you can handle...perhaps step back and instead of looking at the grim and sad, pull the positives up and let them shine over the grim. Just my thoughts Wayne...I try very hard to always find the positive even if is the smallest little thing...then I make that a big positive thing in my life and pull myself through! Take Care Wayne and believe that your faith and resolve will pull you through!!! : )
13 Jul 2007 7:42am
@Jen: Too true Jen =D Thanks!
Hi Wayne ... gosh I am so sorry for you that you have failed that subject. Today I have just discovered the same thing has happened to my daughter and although I have consoled her and she knows I am here for her, I know she must feel just beastly. Cry, scream and rant. Why shouldn't you? You need to feel disappointed, and to express your anger and frustration at what has just happened to you. It hurts. But, life goes on. Let it go. Realise there must be these difficult periods in your life. These are the moments that allow us to soul-search, really come to know ourselves and develop the resilience to face the future hard knocks that life is certain to bring. This will be something that helps mould you and make you a wise and more understanding person in the future. Take the support that is offered to you and look to the future. In the grand plan of your life this will be but a ripple. Imagine you are 90 years old and you are looking back on your life. You will remember this as the beginning of something new. Good luck Wayne.
13 Jul 2007 8:13am
@Helen: Thank you Helen.
Wayne, you are a warrior, a warrior never gives up. No matter how hard a moment can be, never give up and stay true to God and yourself, have faith and patience for everything that happens to you is for the best even if we don't understand that at the moment, even in the times of extremely boring routine and confusion, there is a windows open that allows you to see the light and to contemplate the beauty of life. Try not to think to much of situations, try to learn to quiet your inner noise. Be strong and never let this situations to make you weak, grow stronger, and constantly pray to God. Take care Wayne, have a wonderful weekend and go out and enjoy the beauty of nature, that will help you, =)
13 Jul 2007 8:06pm
@Alfredo J. Martiz J.: Thank you Alfredo =) Your words are much appreciated.
Good job!
14 Jul 2007 11:17pm
@Saed: Thanks Saed =)
you are great at what you do. and who you are. don't let anyone or anything else tell you that. your worth and identity is not in what you see in yourself, nor what you do. not even in what people see and expect out of you. it is in God's eyes. you are His creation, in His image. and He says that you are good. don't forget that you're good. at least i don't.
15 Jul 2007 4:27am
@agung: Thank you David....your post is much much appreciated.
hey Wayne nice long post, i like the way u write. oh and just like the guy from london afghanistan, i like your resources too. they're hot. got nothing to say here really. just hi, how's it going, thanks for the date the other day, but a rose or something would have been nice, just to make it special... only superficial chit chat really... haha oh sorry.. hey i'm gonna go over Job to see some of that stuff u were saying.. and don't forget to myspace me! =p
15 Jul 2007 8:30am
@brodie: I love my resources too =) Thanks Brodie. You're one in a million...maybe even two =D
I wish I had something good to tell you. The only think I have to offer is to simply hang in there.. and I know that is the absolute last thing you want to hear.
But here goes;
Hang in there buddy, we're all rooting for you.
17 Jul 2007 1:05am
@Shrig: Thanks Shrig...sometimes what we want is not necessarily what we need =D same goes for the bitter pills of life =)
been there, am there. i dont have an answer. i dont know what exactly to say cos i'm in the same predicament as you, but here's a great big teddy bear hug to get you by for now. i dedicate tommy page's "shoulder to cry on to you". take care love.
8 Aug 2007 11:11pm
@ruth: Thanks Ruthie =) Hope you're keeping well. We'll catch up once I'm back on Singaporean soil =)
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Proof of the Pudding
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Proof of the Pudding